I was walking in my ‘hood yesterday in a Miami Vice meets Chanel ensemble – think stripe boat top, tulip mini and white linen jacket with gold pearl jewellery, with Ms L who was working a tattooed Heidi Seeker cardigan, black dress and pink hair foliage, when out of a passing car came “OI OI SWEETHEARTS!” Needless to say, we both laughed at this, uhm, gesture and agreed it was decidedly better than the unintelligible “AWIGHT!” that was shouted at us half-hour previously. We then broke into a Sex And The City style convo about the art of the chat-up, or to Americanise, the pick-up.

The worst chat-up line I’ve ever heard was “I can tell by the beauty of your eyes, you’ve been hurt.” Seriously, WTF? Flummoxed, all I could do was stare open-mouthed at the idiot that pulled that one out in the curry house at three in the morning. It’s wasn’t dis-simular to the one I heard on holiday from someone who had handpicked me for their last chance saloon-shag. When I politely declined, he said, “you must have had a bad experience before.” The only nerve that didn’t get touched for either male, was the very one they were trying to stimulate.

The funniest one I’ve heard is “Kiss my cactus” which led me to choke on my drink as I snorted with laughter, and the worse one was “has anyone ever told you, you are the most beautiful girl in the world? No, I didn’t think so” when I was fifteen and attending a disco at my friends private school. Perhaps that’s why I am not a fan of posh/tory boys?  But whatever lines have been used, and beleive me minxes, there have been many, they have all have been met with laughter, a flirtatious ‘Hello’ or a witty retort Marlene Dietrich would be proud of.

And so girls, the next time you’re met with an “oi, oi, sweetheart”, ensure you have these prods of love to make him whisper sweet nothings…

Him: “Wow, you have an amazing smile…”

You: “Why, thank you – yes I do – it’s Mac, dontcha know?!” MAC lipstick, £11.24

Him: “I’d like to call you, whats your number?…”

You: “Tell you what, give me yours, I’ll write it in my Smythson of London address book and make my decision later!”

Smythson of London address book, £77.00

Him: “I’d love to see what’s under that dress…”

You: “Baby, this talk ain’t cheap…”

The Elise Collection – www.lascivious.co.uk

Him: “Do you believe in love at first sight or shall I walk on by again?”

You: “No, but I will just so you can check out my pretty, pretty shoes!”

Vivienne Westwood for Melissa Shoes – Lady-Dragon – £78.00

Him: “Hey Baby, what’s your sign?”

You: “You tell me yours, and I’ll tell you mine, not before I’ve checked our compatibility, obv.”

Check your compatibility with your copy of Sextrology by Stella Starsky, £9.74

Care to share your chat-up line stories, minxes? Or do you have a Mae West style comeback that we should all keep in our holsters – please share!